You all know those emails you get from a prince in Nigeria or your long lost nephew in jail or a lottery you won in Canada – even though you have actually never been to Canada? I happened to get one of those emails a few years back from my “friend” Mark Jacobs. I totally forgot about this email until this past weekend when #SnitchMainSqueeze Chris brought it up at Christmas Eve dinner. So I dug up this gem for you fine people, because it still makes me laugh.
Back in 2012, I was sitting in a super boring conference and then I happened to receive an email from my “friend” Mark Jacobs. Normally, I just delete the email and then go about my business of eating free conference food. However, this was his lucky day, because I had a few minutes. Apparently he had taken an impromptu to the Philippines, and has lost his wallet, and needs me to wire him some money immediately. Now I can’t remember who Mark Jacobs it, but I do have a lot of friends, so maybe I DO know him. Maybe it’s the REAL Marc Jacobs and he just can’t spell his name correctly?
So being the good friend that I am, I decided to create a fake email account and respond to him see my response below. I mean, his email was to “undisclosed recipients” so I was just being careful like him – maybe our correspondence was being tracked! See his email below and then my response to him below that.
I really hope he pays his fine at the hotel because ain’t nobody want to go to jail in the Philippines.
EMAIL FROM MARK JACOBS:
From: Mark Jacobs <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: December 14, 2012, 5:22:26 AM CST
To: undisclosed recipients: ;
Subject: Awful X-mas Trip…….Please Help
I really hope you get this fast. I could not inform anyone about our trip, because it was impromptu. we had to be in Philippines for X-Mas Holiday and Tour.. The program was successful, but our journey has turned sour. we misplaced our wallet and cell phone on our way back to the hotel we lodge in after we went for sight seeing. The wallet contained all the valuables we had. Now, our passport is in custody of the hotel management pending when we make payment.
I am sorry if i am inconveniencing you, but i have only very few people to run to now. i will be indeed very grateful if i can get a short term loan from you(1,850USD). this will enable me sort our hotel bills and get my sorry self back home. I will really appreciate whatever you can afford in assisting me with. I promise to refund it in full as soon as soon as I return. let me know if you can be of any assistance. Please, let me know soonest. Thanks so much..
MY EMAIL BACK TO MARK JACOBS
Date: December 14, 2012 11:31:38 AM CST
To:Mark Jacobs <email@example.com>
Subject: Fwd: Oh no! Stuck in the Philippines?
Funny you should email me – I tried calling you yesterday, but I guess your impromptu vacation was the reason I kept getting your voicemail. Wow! The Philippines! I hope you were able to visit with Pete’s family, I hear they are very hospitable. His dad made me some SPAM and rice when he was visiting last year – try to get the recipe for me. Also, get me a magnet – you know I LOVE magnets.
You mentioned sightseeing – what did you get to see? I hope it’s better than that lame trip Matt and Dana took to Mexico. Remember how they were on that bus for, like, 4 hours? That was just horrible! And don’t even get me started on the pictures they took of the bathroom. I’m still trying to figure out what that second hole was for.
So you lost your wallet? Was it the one your mother, Jean, gave you last Christmas with the stitching that said “Hang Loose”? Or was it the one that little Darren gave you for your birthday with the Velcro closure? Or was that for Father’s Day? It’s hard to keep it straight since your birthday is so close to Father’s Day. I hope it was the one that your mom gave you – that sucker was BUTT ugly and I don’t believe her when she says it was made out of beaver fur. That was straight-up raccoon.
I can’t believe you’re asking for $1850 right now –child please, you know I’m broke as all get out right now since you didn’t pay me for your part of Kristina’s birthday gift last month. By the way, she absolutely loved seeing Mickey on Ice – even though that skater flew into her during the finale. You know, you really can’t tell that she only has the one B00B now. She told me she just stuffs an orange in the left cup of her bra and no one really can tell. Plus, it gives her a fresh aroma all day.
I was telling Chris about your issue with losing your wallet and he wanted to know why you continue to stay at Marriotts? Had you been at a Hilton property he would have had them deliver a delicious fruit basket to your room. Remember that time when you tried to have sexytime with that pineapple when we were on that trip to Florida? Hahaha that still makes me laugh – I’m going to tag you in that photo on my Facebook page right now!
I hope you and September have an awesome trip – and don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all work out!
Seriously, don’t forget to buy my magnet.
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