Olympic Sports We Would ALL Medal In

olympic-rings-1166020_1280When the Olympics roll in, there is one thought on all our minds, “Seriously, has it already been two years?” The next thought is how amazing these athletes are. Let’s be honest, we aren’t the fittest of nations. We’re actually the fattest of nations. And no, that doesn’t come with a participation ribbon -but it does come with a side of fries. I’ll admit to watching terrible television because the remote was a bit too far away. And more than once, I have fallen off my couch because I tried to reach said remote.

Quit judging and let’s not be glass half-empty on this one. There are plenty of things that us non-olympians are good at – they aren’t Olympic events now, but if Curling is still a sport….these have a chance.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Flossing …the week before your dentist appointment
Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. We’ve all been here. And most of us have lied through our cotton-filled mouths when asked “so how many times a day do you floss?” – what’s less than 1? Does using the end of a straw count? But when you get that reminder call, you’re chewing string like it’s going out of style. You haven’t seen this much floss since that beach vacation in Rio.
Level of Difficulty: 2
Overall Score: 4 out of 5 Dentists
Medal: GOLD


Cycling…Your Emotions While Driving to Work
Much like cycling, it’s all about jockeying for position. If you get stuck behind that landscaping trailer, you should just turn around now, cycling-813910_1280your day is downhill from here. Everyone is riding too close and no one is letting you pass – not even that sweet looking grandma who….just flipped you the bird?! Come on, people! Let that
car in, you weren’t born on this highway, someone had to let YOU in!  Whoa. Sorry. A little ‘roid rage.
Let’s hope they don’t start drug testing at the DMV.
Level of Difficulty: 5
Overall Score: 0 to 2.6
Medal: BRONZE


Triathlon Event – Member of the Wedding Party
Oh it looks easy, but it’s tricky like the high jump. It’s not enough to just leap into the air backwards, you have to contort your body to not touch the bar. Have you ever been to a wedding and not touched the bar? Bartenders are the patron saints of weddings, and dry weddings are the third ring of Hell. This is a triathlon level event with pre-wedding parties, the never-ending photo shoot and avoiding the “Chicken Dance” at the reception – you’ve got to start your “protehigh-jump-150517_1280ctive drinking” early so you can hang with the best of them. This is no time for amateurs.
Level of Difficulty: 8 out of 10
Overall Score: 7.9
Medal: SILVER

 

Face it, we’re all arm-chair Olympians and your pride runs deep when we see the best of our best winning it all. And as the 2016 games are on and the medal count grows, let’s raise a cold one for all the athletes that make it look so easy. I’d grab my glass, but it’s just a little too far from my couch.

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