5 Stages of Office Donuts Grief

It’s Friday. You made it through the week.  You probably made it to the gym a few times this week. You ate a few salads for lunch. You got some stuff crossed off the ol’ To-Do list.

You’re feeling good. Friday is feeling real good.
You hit the corner and then you see…THEM. Donuts.
The ubiquitous office donuts. Glorious donuts. Free donuts.

You, my friend, are well on the road to the 5 Stages of Office Donut Grief.

Stage One: DENIAL
You’re strong. You don’t need a donut. Donuts are for the weak. You’re a 10,000 step

FitBit god. You work out at lunch. You take the stairs. You aren’t going to fall off the healthy-living-wagon for some sticky frosted one-night stand. You’re sitting quietly, feeling all proud of yourself, when you start to hear the voices because Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

“What’s the harm in looking? What’s the old saying, looking is free….oh wait, that’s actually an HR violation. Back to donuts…just see what’s out there”

You just leveled up ……


Stage Two: ANGER
Oh hell. These ARE good looking donuts. Why did they have to bring the GOOD donuts? Why can’t these be the dry donuts from that place that smells like cabbage? Is that jelly? Are those sprinkles?

“What’s the harm in having half of a donut? Or even just a donut hole. You know, to top off the week? What’s that gonna be, 100 calories tops? You burn that just running up the stairs.”

3 is the magic number …..


Stage Three: BARGAINING
Someone actually brought these donuts, so not taking one would be rude. So rude. And you’re not rude. You signed what’s-his-name’s birthday card last week, right? You held the elevator this morning? See! Totally not a rude person. AND, you’ve been good ALL week. You deserve a treat.

“When your office buds wanted to get burgers, you opted for the grilled chicken for Pete’s Sake! You didn’t even get fries. And you LOVE fries! You deserve a donut!”

Bob, we’ll take what’s behind door #4 …..


Stage Four: DEPRESSION
How many is too many donuts before lunch? If you take a donut and no one is watching, did it actually happen? Can you eat donuts in the afternoon? Is that a thing? If it’s not, I just made that a thing.

“I’m so full of donuts. I’m a fraud. I eat kale every week. And I pretend to like it. And I tell people it tastes like potato chips. That’s really obnoxious. I need to stop doing that.”

Well, well, well …..


Stage Five: ACCEPTANCE
You’re about 4.5 donuts in. You’ve already eaten your weight in sugary goodness by the days’ end. You hit the sweet, sweet high only empty calories can give you. Donuts are round. Pizza is round. Just order a damn pizza tonight and call it a week.

“If kale is SOOO good, why don’t they put it on pizza? Yeah. Chew on that.”

My inside voice can sometimes be a jack hole.

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